An End To The Distance Read online

  “Tegan, talk to me. How’d it go with Jasmine?”

  Tegan stopped walking and turned around to face Peyton. “

  Her father died! Her fucking father died over break. That’s how it went.”

  “Okay, don’t get mad at me. But why exactly are you crying? You didn’t know him.”

  “I did know him! All those times I came home late was because I was at the hospital with him. He was nice, he was friendly. He treated me with respect and now he’s just gone...whatever, that's not the point. Jasmine doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve any of this. Why do all the good people get hurt? First you, now her. It’s not fucking fair.”

  Tegan blew out a quick breath of air and plopped on her bed. Peyton came up in front of her and kneeled down to wipe her tears with her thumbs.

  “I know. Nothing is fair and life but you’ve got to understand that things happen for a reason, okay? There’s nothing you can do about it.”

  Tegan pouted at Peyton. Tegan had always been naïve. Even now, she still always saw the good in people even when there was mostly bad. She wanted to believe that all people were good; they just needed the right person in their life to show it. She was a big kid so when things happen to her like this, she didn’t know how to handle them well.

  “She invited you to the funeral?”

  Tegan nodded.

  “Well that was very sweet of her, right?”

  Tegan nodded again.

  “See, you have to look at the bright side, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Tegan mumbled and wiped her last set of tears away from her eyes.

  “I’ve got to go to class but I’ll see you in a bit. We can go out somewhere and get your mind off of things.”

  “Alright.”

  Peyton kissed Tegan’s forehead before leaving out the door. Tegan cuddled in her bed and pulled the covers around her head. She needed to just escape her world for a moment and enter a peaceful state of sleep. When she woke up, she would feel better. She closed her eyes, sniffling a couple of times before dozing off into that calm state of mind.

  PEYTON put her sweatshirt hood on her head and kept her hands in her pockets as she walked to the café to grab some tea. The sun was missing and the sky was a bright grey. The wind blew softly and the leaves fell from the trees and landed around Peyton as she walked. This was the kind of weather Peyton called relaxing weather where she could just curl up in a chair and read for hours, take notes on the good morals and values she learned in the book and jot them down in her notebook to use for her daily life. Peyton removed her grey hood from her head as she stepped inside of the café and ordered a small cup of hot chai tea. She walked over to a near booth and slid into it, sipping her tea as she looked out the large glass window to watch people walking by.

  “Mind if I sit?”

  Kat sat down anyway across from Peyton expecting her answer was going to be ‘no’ regardless of if she asked. Surprisingly Peyton didn’t say anything; instead she just stared at Kat with a blank face.

  “Are you a student here now or something?”

  Peyton questioned. Kat shook her head.

  “No, I um…no, I’m not. I actually already got my degree taking online classes while in Finland. I’m here because I want to sort things out with you.”

  Kat fiddled with her coffee cup, unable to look Peyton straight into the eyes.

  “I thought I made myself clear, Kat. There isn’t anything to sort out. You messed up, you left me and I’ve moved on. Done.”

  Kat looked up at Peyton with all hope lost in her pale eyes.

  “But Peyton here me out---”

  “Kat, you don’t have to explain yourself. I understand that you had a choice to make and you chose the one that you wanted the most. You don’t have to apologize to me for making a decision.”

  “But that’s not it! Peyton, I just need---”

  Peyton looked out the window before standing up, gripping her tea in her hand.

  “I’m going to be late for class.”

  Kat heard the bell from the door that let her know Peyton had gone. Again. Kat shook her head and angrily clenched her fists wishing if she would’ve just waited until Peyton got home to tell her the news about Finland and talked it out with her, how different things would be now.

  PEYTON shook her head into the wind as she walked back to campus thinking about her encounter with Kat. Did she mean any of what she said back there? No, that was the venom. Did she want it to go that way? No. Peyton could not believe the words that came out of her mouth. What in the hell? All Peyton wanted to do was accept Kat’s apology and put the past behind the two of them, not push her further away and possibly completely away.

  Why am I so fucking stupid?

  Peyton shrugged her shoulders and walked into her class wishing she just had someone to talk to. Someone to listen to her, someone to love her, someone to just fucking acknowledge her as a human being. Peyton wouldn’t wish this pain on her worst enemy.

  TWELVE

  SOMEONE to love me would be nice.

  When all shine has left me with nothing but a dark night. Missing stars and half a moon. I stare into the blank sky and wait impatiently for the sun to uplift my spirits. The few birds that flock in the sky even have someone to flock with. Then I am just there. I stir in my bed and look to the ceiling, wishing someone were there with me. I want to be held, I, I want someone to embrace me in their arms and stroke my hair as I snore softly on their neck and slowly drift off into a peaceful sleep. Instead, I lay alone and my mind begins to deteriorate. I think about how my life is so full of shit. I wonder, what is my purpose here? What is my purpose in life? Was I honestly put on this planet to sulk in my room every night and let the equator leave me behind as it circles around me yet again?

  Peyton tapped her pen repeatedly on her desk trying to focus on her assignment rather than what her mind was focused on. Her throat began to burn as she swallowed down the fire. She batted her eyes hastily hoping to blink the forming tears away. Her lower lip trembled and her vision began to blur. She watched as her notebook paper became heavily stained with big teardrops. Peyton tried to stop herself, she wasn’t a crier and she was in class. Perfect timing. Peyton couldn’t control herself.

  You're strong.

  Peyton chanted encouraging words in her head praying to God to give her strength. Peyton bit her lip to stop the tremble but instead she inadvertently let a loud sob escape from her mouth. It was disguised as a sneeze to the class and Peyton heard one or two faint bless yous come from the back of her classroom. Peyton continued taking notes as her professor spoke; wishing the part of her brain that continued to think would just shut down. Peyton kept her head down when she couldn’t take the burn anymore. She cried silently at her desk, exhaling a soft breath. She pushed her hair in her face to shield herself from anyone getting a view of her crying. Peyton stained her notebook with large puddles of salty tears, her words disappearing into smears soon after she wrote them down.

  “A grand desire. The electricity that travels through the veins that lead to my heart. My rapid pulse. A smile that could create life and fulfill it with nothing but pleasure. Your beauty so pronounced, one will not simply envy but only commend. Timid you, your brown eyes hide in the light and shine through the darkness. Wake me up with your gentle touch and I shall never go to sleep.”

  “Now,”

  Peyton’s professor shut his book and walked down the rows of the class, deciding on which victim to call on.

  “In your own words, tell me what do you believe Esme T. Eckel was saying…Peyton?”

  Esme Eckle was Peyton’s favorite poet and anthropologist. She had read her books since she was a little girl. They spoke to her on such large scales. Her words were intense and hit you with whatever emotion she wanted you to feel. What Peyton was reading in class was called Infatuation. Peyton had read this book many times before as a child. It was her least favorite because she didn’t really understand what Esme�
��s point was. But Peyton was older now, and wiser, and as her professor spoke the last page of the book and the words yet again spoke to her on a level she could not describe. Peyton loved discussing the metaphorical meanings behind the touching words any day. But now? Peyton’s professor decided to call on her now? Fucking great. Peyton hurriedly wiped her eyes and cleared her throat, retrieving her voice.

  “Um, Love.”

  “Can you expand on that?”

  “She was deeply in love with a person to the point that she had become obsessed with their personal.”

  “Do you think that is possible? To love someone so much that every bit of them, including the negative, you appreciate?”

  “I do. Love is the most powerful thing on Earth. It will make people do things they would never do on a regular basis. It changes a person, and it naturally makes you happy. God made our soul mates and soul mates do exist. They are the other half of us that we are missing. We may think that we are just one but God made us in twos. Our journey in life is to find the person that God intended us for.”

  The class snorted at Peyton. Her talking pace had increased as she was getting excited on the subject she was talking about. Peyton was easily the smartest person in the class and everyone knew it.

  “Good example Peyton.”

  “Have you ever been in love?”

  One of Peyton’s classmates called out from the back.

  “You do not have to answer that if you are uncomfortable.”

  Her professor insisted.

  “Yes.”

  Peyton stated.

  “I have been in love. Not the young, naïve, love that is meaningless. It was true love. It made me wake up every day and see the beauty that life itself had. The sound of their voice filled my eardrums and it was like a soft melodic song….”

  Peyton had to stop herself. Whenever she talked about Kat, she just went on and on.

  “Thank you Peyton.”

  Peyton looked down to her paper and sunk lower into her seat.

  KAT released her frigid breath out into the air and watched as it floated into fog. She juggled alone towards the end of the handball court. She focused her eyes on the ball, watching it every time she flicked it up with her nimble fingers but her mind was far from what he was doing. She just didn’t get Peyton. This wasn’t the Peyton she knew back when they were teenagers. Peyton would have heard Kat out and given her a chance to make up for it. Now, Peyton refused to make peace. Kat groaned out loud. This wasn’t fair. Kat tried to convince herself that going back to Finland a week early would be the fresh start of her life not involving Peyton. But now that she was back in Finland, all her mind could think about was the tanned woman. Damn, Kat couldn’t stop. It was like an addiction.

  “Hey Kat, pass with us!”

  Kat looked up to see three of her teammates all with smiling faces motioning her to come here. Kat put on a fake smile and jogged over to them to go play keep away. Kat listened as her teammates carried on long conversations in thick Finnish before tuning them out to continue to think. The entire practice, Kat was out of it and it showed through her performance. She had missed easy shots and her tactics were all wrong. She was stabbing just about everyone and couldn’t ever retrieve the ball once being turned over because of her. The cold wind blew on Kat's exposed, sticky skin that was drenched in sweat. She walked off the court with her back in a curve. She was tired, mainly because of frustration with her shitty performance but she managed to keep her mouth shut and not yell every expletive known to man until she was alone. If she could just make it to her apartment.

  “Kat, could you come over here for a sec?”

  Kat rolled her eyes at the sky before changing direction to walk towards her coach.

  “Yeah coach?”

  “Your performance was not too good today. I will blame it on the jet lag but I expect more from you okay?”

  “Yes sir.”

  “Alright, go shower.”

  Kat’s coach patted her on the back and Kat jogged into the locker room. The steam from Kat’s entire teammates shower filled the locker room. Kat fought her sight through the steam and found her clothes. She changed quickly and decided to skip the open shower and chose the one where she would be alone in her apartment instead. Kat drove home, fighting the urge to curse, scream, and cry all at the same time. Kat gripped the steering wheel and pulled quickly into her parking space. She grabbed her gym bag and rushed into her apartment, desperately trying to escape the cold. She dropped her gym bag to the floor and rushed upstairs to undress before stepping into her steaming shower. She let the beads of hot water roll off of her as well as her stress. Kat’s shower was quick and she turned off the knob and walked back into her room to change into a pair of sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt. She curled up into a ball in her bed and hugged her pillow. Kat was just miserable right now. Her game was completely off at practice, her coach basically told her that she sucked today right to her face, and to top all of that Kat couldn’t even share her frustrations with her girlfriend like she normally did. Peyton was always the one who would talk Kat’s frustrations down and give her advice that would always work in her favor. Now all Kat could do was lay in her bed, look out the empty window at snow beginning to trickle down and let her mind run wild. It was unhealthy, Kat knew, to think such dark and crazy thoughts but it wasn’t like she could see anybody to discuss them. Kat would never give anyone the satisfaction of having the key to her mind. Never. Kat tossed and turned, stared at her ceiling fan, watched the clock, and tossed again. She pulled the white pillow over her face and breathed into it, pushing that deep dark thought that always seems to appear at her lowest moments further down her conscious. There were times when Kat missed Peyton and wanted to be wrapped in her arms in the warm bed together rather than being alone in a cold one. There were times when Kat was pissed at Peyton for not accepting her apology and just being a complete ass to her. And there were times when Kat wanted to just curse Peyton out and yell at her while crying on her shoulder. She was just a big emotional mess and Kat couldn’t stand that. Kat was strong; she held her own, she didn’t need anyone in her life to make her happy. She was an independent woman. It was just pathetic to Kat to think that here she was still sobbing over her ex-girlfriend from almost three years ago and Peyton had already moved on. Kat figured it was time for her to move on as well.

  THIRTEEN

  “OF course.”

  Jasmine scoffed as she looked at the raindrops pouring heavily on her windows. Of course it would rain the day she would bury her father. All she needed was a melancholy soundtrack to accompany this montage of depression and she could be the starring character in a movie. Jasmine gripped the sides of her steering wheel, knuckles turning white as she commanded herself to breathe. She sighed and looked out the window as she came to a red light. Why now? Jasmine felt like just when her life was going right and things were starting to get good, something tragic would happen and bring her back to ground zero again. It wasn’t fair and Jasmine was tired. Jasmine was tired of constantly being in emotional pain. Between the constant, heavy rain smashing onto Jasmine’s window and the blur of her tears, Jasmine couldn’t make out whether the light had changed or not. Jasmine furiously wiped her eyes, hoping the pain could be wiped away as easily as her tears could but more tears were replaced and so was the pain in her chest.

  YOU can come if you want.

  Tegan furrowed her eyebrows and stared at herself in the mirror. Did Jasmine really want Tegan to come? Or was she just saying that out of politeness? Tegan didn’t know and that annoyed the hell out of her. Tegan stared at herself in the mirror, overlooking her dress trying to decide whether she should go to the funeral or not.

  Does she even want me there?

  Tegan bit her lip, her body tingling from being too worked up and unable to think clearly. If she did go to the funeral she sure didn’t want to be late. That would be so disrespectful of her. Tegan said fuck it and grabbed her purse and walked out the
door only to stumble into a tall and lean body. Tegan gasped and muttered a quiet oh not expecting someone standing outside of her dorm room.

  “Jasmine?”

  “You ready?”

  Despite the tired blue eyes due to lack of sleep and the way her lips frowned in a natural state now, Jasmine looked stunning. Black was her color. Tegan nodded and followed Jasmine underneath the umbrella to her car. The car ride was silent. Tegan pressed her forehead against the frigid window, listening to the sound of Jasmine’s soft engine as she drove to the church. She watched as the falling of the rain grew heavier and her thoughts began to drift. Tegan had said sorry but was that enough? Should she say thank you for inviting her? Is Jasmine going to sit with her family and leave her all by herself? It was sort of awkward going to a funeral where you didn’t know anyone except for the person that was deceased. Tegan glanced to her left at Jasmine who was driving with all expression drained from her face and put her running mind to rest for a moment. None of that mattered right now. Jasmine did. That was it. Jasmine pulled into a large church with black cars parked all around it. Jasmine stepped out of car, umbrella in hand and walked over to the passenger side of her car to get Tegan out. The two walked quietly underneath the umbrella except for the sounds of their heels clicking against the pavement. They walked into the church, bombarded with several somber faces and weak smiles. Tegan immediately spotted the silver and black coffin sitting in the center of the church. She was going to miss Mr. Dennings. Sure she didn’t know him long, but she did long enough to realize that he was a good man and obviously played a huge role in her professor’s life. Tegan didn’t know anyone therefore, she stood by Jasmine wherever she went. Jasmine was greeted by several unfamiliar faces giving her their condolences and prayers. Tegan remained within an inch beside her and smiled softly whenever a person would acknowledge her. It wasn’t the right place or time to ask Jasmine why she brought a stranger along to the funeral so no one did, but everyone wanted to. Tegan searched for familiar features in the guests’ faces to spot out who could possibly be Jasmine’s family but no one looked like they would be related to Jasmine.